How I found help for my Anorexia

The Background -

I’ve always struggled with my weight. I guess you could say I was a bit of a binge eater when I was younger, I would eat and eat and eat as much and as often as I would like, completely carefree. Right up until I got to secondary school, and then I started caring. After a good few years of being bullied for the size of my thighs, I started caring. After being mocked for the extra chin round my neck, I started caring. However, I wouldn’t say that I cared enough to eat any less than I did before, but I did sporadically attempt radical diets (not sure diet is the right word). I remember when I was around 14, running across the street to the butchers to buy myself a slice of raw beef in order to eat as it is. Trying to give myself a tapeworm. I was desperate to lose weight without having to put in any effort (I loved food too much to give it up). So, a tapeworm seemed like the easiest and simplest way forward. After having attempted this for about 2 weeks my little brother caught me sitting on my bedroom floor trying to force an uncooked carcass cut down my throat. With much difficulty he got me to stop, he just yelled out for my mother’s rescue. Then, at around 16 I had a trial run of being vegetarian, purely for the misconception that all veggies are thin, which they’re not. Then, at 17 I tried the raw food vegan route, but lacked the willpower to persevere. After, these ridiculous attempts at losing weight in order to conform, I gave up trying and happily kept enjoying my food.

The Catalyst -

However, when I was around 19 years old I realised I was gay and having been brought up Mormon this became extraordinarily difficult to accept, as the two don’t mix together very well at all. I tried to fight against myself hard. The way I had been raised had led me to think that my natural feelings and desires were erroneous and evil, but at the same time it felt pure and natural. This fight within myself caused a major upset in my mental health and I fell into a deep depression. The kind of depression that makes you so tired of living you sleep away all your hours. The kind of depression that makes you incapable of leaving the house. The kind of depression that makes you fall on your knees at 3 o’clock in the morning revolting against yourself and your God in desperate pleads for some sort of relief or reassurance of the future. After swallowing 30 paracetamols and ending up in hospital, I decided that maybe I needed some help. The doctors offered me anti-depressants, which aggravated my irritable bowel syndrome and made me throw up every day, several times a day. After several months of not being able to hold down a meal, and without realising or wanting, I was starting to get closer and closer to my previous ideal weight. Despite feeling sick every day, the loss of weight caused an upsurge of confidence. And then, women started noticing me, and I felt like a teenager all over again.

Around March 2016 I tiptoed my way into an eating disorder. I found myself eating less and less and smoking and drinking more and more cigarettes and coffee each day. Until around Mid-Autumn I was clinically diagnosed as Anorexic. Somehow, despite looking quite sickly and living in a state of short term memory (from lack of fuel), Georgia came along in February 2017 and found herself attracted to me. We got to knowing each other and I started to grow feelings for her myself. Our friendship started to grow into something much more than friendship and I felt inclined to start eating a little. Round about April 2017 I was eating about a meal a day (which was more than I had been) and I started uploading my Anorexia Recovery project. I had several old friends message me explaining that they were struggling with eating disorders too. One of which called me up and asked me how I was getting help as to find help for themselves, which made me think that maybe I should share that information with you guys also.

The Help -

Personally, I contacted a homeopath (a medical practitioner that follows natural practices and medicines) which just so happened to be a family friend. Despite it having been an easy connection to a reference for help the person in which you contact does not matter. What does matter, is that you contact someone in order to help yourself. There are many councilors and psychologists who are more than willing to help you if you contact them. I’ll add contact numbers at the bottom so that if you are willing to reach out, then you have that option.

What I found was that the hardest part was not about contacting someone who could help, this is merely the first step. The hardest part of recovery was allowing that person to help me recover. Picking up a phone was easy, letting myself open up was hard. Letting myself recover and heal was hard. But, I think what made it easy was the fact that I reached out to them on my own accord, with the intention of getting help as I had felt like I had lost all control and needed to find a way of gaining it back. Just by picking up the phone and contacting them I immediately felt like I had regained a little bit of the control and the power that I had lost. The fact that I was forcing myself and putting myself into a position which was uncomfortable was teaching me to be okay with being uncomfortable. The discomfort taught me to govern myself, discipline myself, learn to have compassion upon myself and it taught me the patience I needed to follow through to a point where I felt as though I was fully in control again.

The simplest part, I found, was reaching out for help. What was difficult was the recovery. I understand that taking the first step and reaching out may be daunting, scary and uncomfortable, but, and I’m going to be completely blunt here, not fueling your body, not taking care of your body can cause serious illness, disease, and sometimes even death. I was lucky to have a supportive family and partner that helped me gain the desire I needed to get help for myself, if I had not, I quite possibly could have still been mentally ill and probably gotten to a point where I would have become physically ill too. I know it is tough. I know it is easier said than done. But, I implore you to please reach out. My mailbox and social media private messaging’s are always open, and so are the hotline numbers I have added below, please, feel free to use them.

(UK) BEAT, Help for adults – 08088010677

(UK) BEAT, Help for young adults – 08088010711

(USA) HOPELINE, Crisis Hotline – 1-800-442-4673

(USA) National Association of Anorexia Nervosa – 1-630-577-1330

(AUSTRALIA) BUTTERFLY, Eating disorder helpline – 1800334673